Denials

Kim tried to tell me the other day that he doesn't think he snores anymore... I had to remind him that I can hear his snoring from my room every night, through 2 closed doors, and that I can hear when his snoring gets out of control and thus wakes him up.

the most practical xmas list on earth

Note: "large flashlight" makes the list for the 10th consecutive year

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x-mas list (wish list)

Belt (Burgundy)
Large flashlight
Wallet (just like my current one)
Keyboard pad that elevates the back so it tilts toward me.
Long underwear pants for skiing.
Golf balls
Fix my headset radio when i'm mowing grass!

I'm going down to visit Grandma and grandpa tomorrow, probably be there till wed. Have you heard of Gino's 780 Lexington Ave and 61st? Saw Posto near you and rated pretty good. What about Hotel 17? Heard of that one? What about Ess-a-bagel 359 1st ave? Any good? I know...I know...I know...A lot of questions, and if you forward this to anyone you will not get another e-mail from me! This is the only way to communicate with you as you don't answer your phone.

Love Dad



FYI:

Hotel 17 = is an actual hotel, not a restaurant
Ess-A-Bagel = a walk-in bagel shop

Budgeting 101

"The important thing Alli - is to live BELOW your MEANS"

Kim John Deere

A little darkness won't stop him from his favorite hobby

"I've got a 6-pack of whoopass with your name on it"

Mistakes

"I've only made one mistake this year... wanna know what it is? I thought I made a mistake but I really didn't." (repeat at least 10 times/year with clever chuckle of satisfaction each time)

Elaine: I'm surprised he didn't sneak an electric light timer in there too
Allison : Oh yea - I forgot about that lunch day
Betsey: At least he didn't send you to school with DOG KIBBLE

Haven't heard THIS one before...

Kim Jr.

Sadie-Say

As Sadie hobbles around the corner and trots up to Dad sleeping on the couch...

"Sadie - where ya been?"

irish bumper cars

Bern- "Did you just hit that guy's mirror?"

Kim- "... YEAH!"

Always close, never quite there

"Hey Elaine does the cd player work on that uhh bangbox?"
"You mean boom box?"

"Elaine, what's the name of the restaurant you work at, Crash?"
"Boom"

Eeeeemail

Allison: "Dad can you email me everyone's address in the Kaiser fam?"

Dad: "So Amy, Sarah, Chris..."

Allison: "YES Dad - like I said, EVERYONE. No need to list them off"

Dad: "Ok Alli. How do I do that?"

Allison: "Just copy and paste them into the content of the email"

Dad: "Um... okay..."



2 hours later - I TEXTED Uncle Chris to get the job done. Have yet to receive anything from Pop Diggs.

these are a few of his favorite things...

Manning the Grill








Popcorn









Shelties







Mowing the lawn










Iced Tea











Hoosiers











Freezer mugs












Spray Butter












Cell Phone & Snazzy Belt Clip










Gummy Colas









Egg in the middle of the bread












Saving Money








Captain Scott's Lobster Dock, after 8pm so that you "get more meat... because they've gotta use it up!"








"Goff"










Kielbasa








Leftovers







Clipboards











Short-sleeved shirts with a front pocket











New England Clam Chowder








Sean Connery and / or The Hunt for Red October










Ohio State & Ohio State Paraphernalia








Jumbo Shrimp










Thanksgiving










Air Conditioning
(pictured: living room circa July)








Frostees










Naps








"Lopes"










Broadway Music Compilations

THE question at Ocean City

Hey, do you get internet in here????

Cheese

Hearing Aid Time?

"Alli! Do you want me to bring any drinks for you for the car ride?" - Kim

"Dad - you know that I have tons of drinks I can take from work" - Alli

"Let me rephrase myself..." - Kim

"NO! I don't need any drinks" - Alli

"What'd you say?" - Kim

"NOOO! I DONT WANT ANYTHING!" - Alli

"Okay well you don't have to shout" - Kim

Packing for Dummies

K "Now, Elaine, when you're packing the car, make sure you maximize allllll the space"
E "yeah, Kim, got it"
K "And you're gonna wanna..."
E "...fill up the tank?"
K "yes"
E "Kim, I think we can handle this"
K "and remember, with that back seat folded down, there's those pockets where you can stick things in front of it" (note: usually where he likes to put food)

Squeak, squeak, whirrrr... squeak, squeak, whirrrr

Can you feel the father/daughter love?

How was dinner last night?
Love,
Dad

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Delish!!! We got beef dumplings and tuna tartar to start. Then we had the pork which was awesome and THEN it came with coconut cake - a HUGE slice! I was defi stuffed by the end!
Love,
Alli

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Good! Better run 20 miles to burn all that off!

Typical night at the grill

Scooterology 101 x 4

When asking a potential client their personal deets:

"Ok, how tall are ya?"
pause.
"How heavy?"

Bill's Best Kim Impersonation

Scooterology 101 x3

Can't walk? Lets talk.

Scooterology 101 x2

BOT = bought
DED = dead
Lunatic = lunatic

Scooterology 101

"I don't mean to be nosey - but do you have enough money in the bank to cover this???"

(his question to customers when they are writing out checks to N.E. Mobility)

When Lucky's about to regurgitate what he just ate and starts making that awful noise...

"Out! Ouuuut! Ouuuuuut!" while 'guiding' him outside via foot to the butt.

Nothing like being abused physically and emotionally while about to lose your dinner.

Quite a few things just occurred in a conversation just moments ago:

K "What do you guys want to do for dinner? Do you want to order a pie?"
G "Yeah that sounds good"
K "What kind.. chicken and broccoli?"
E "ehh...pepper and onions"
K "Okay, we'll do half pepper and onions half chicken and broccoli. Order a large of that and then a medium ground beef (also known as hamburger) and bacon."
E "ground beef AND bacon?!"
K Okay just ground beef."
E "ugh, gross"
K "Okay, Elaine, you call it in. I gotta run Mike Fekete over to Don's to pick up his car."
E "Wait, wait, wait... you have Fekete going to Don's now too?"

"I see no humor in that" (when we're laughing at him)

Typical Kim Tom-foolery

Cesar Milan? Is that you?

Mayyyysure

Email chain between Alli and Kimbo Slice:

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Hey Dad!
When you get a chance… can you “mayyyysure” the dimensions of my pub table?

AND – Marianne talked to her landlord and he said he was fine with her moving out –and he would give her her security deposit back! YAY!

Love,
Alli

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I will look at dimensions but help me out, which one is it?

Love Dad

Glad to hear about Maryanna (sp)

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It’s the “pub table” that is in the basement - - - we had it at the house on browns lane? It expands out? Came with chairs? COME ON DAD!

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Now I know, it's the same table as in my office.

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Dad - So what you’re saying is… right now you’re using 2 kitchen tables and a computer desk for an ‘office’. Maybe it’s time to invest in some quality furniture Dad…

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I spent all my money on KIDS! Please pass this on as well!

Kim with straight hair

"EEElaine, how did Shaymus get a hold of the Fleetwood Mac cd?"
"He got the fleetwood mac cd?"
"Okay (with a flip of his hand), you passed the hearing test"

The original list of Kimisms

53) Beauuuuuuutiful

52) The waaaaaaaaay back....you guys act like its waaaaaaaaaay back there

51) You know greg that Volvo could reeeeeeeeally use some attention. It's SCREAMIN for some attention

50) Flag's pretty cool huh? You know it flew over the capitol?

49) saWEEET.

48) Dano, talk to me dano, talk to me

47) Okok, let me rephrase myself, what are we doing with these beach chairs?

46) You guys wanna clean up some scooters?

45) Are those your clothes in the warsher?

44) Ice CREAM. Green BEANS.

43) Did you go on that rolley coaster?

42) Th-th-that is a total exaggeration of the facts!!!

41) Egginthemiddleofthebread?

40) Sidewinder called.

39) Ahhhh the short glasses go HERE and the large ones go over HERE!

38) Hey Sadie... where ya been?

37) KC... DIE. (... RIP)

36) This is not the REAL WORLD, ok?They just throw these people together and give them money and film them blowing all of it! The real world is just not like that.

35) Paperwork... phone calls...

34) Who wants a Frosty?

33) I'll be right back. Gotta go upstairs and... get a sweater.

32) Ok. Where are my scissors?

31) Bernie, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this shirt.

30) OUT.

29) Gotta go to the warehouse. (in the old days)

28) Talk to me Goose.

27) www.newenglandmobility.com@hotmail.com.net.gov.org

26) So last week, Bobby Fox...

25) Raise the bar! No stops! No stops!

24) Ok ok ok. Let's change the subject and NOT talk about Kim.

23) Where is the mail???

22) To Kim... hey! From Kim! (on Christmas, with a Fox Hop-wrapped box)

21) So Elaine. How's DEREK???

20) Bill Clinton is a womanizer!

19) Quit messing around with the stereo and pressing all the buttons.

18) I'm not an entertainment machine. You can't just push a button and say "hey, entertain me"

17) Pushin' milk, we're pushin' milk guys.

16) Define "freezing"

15) Alli- set the dinner table. By yourself.

14) Guess what Bernie made for dinner last night...... RESERVAAATIONNNNS! Yo!

13) So then I go ALLL the way out to western Connecticut and the lady says "I don't want it" - - so i drive ALL the way back home and she calls saying "I want it!" Ahhh!!

12) Fekete!!!

11) My name... is Kim.

10) Bernie - when are you gonna get rid of all this CRAP? (ie: easter/halloween/xmas decorations)

9) Jumper... jumper... diver, NO! JUMPER! Oh you wimps!!

8) Ahee... ahee-ahee-ahee

7) Greg - did you clean those tires yet?!?

6) Marie! Leave that in Poughkeepsie

5) Can you drop these off at the POST OFFICE? I don't want you to just TOSS them in the MAILBOX - they need to go to the POST OFFICE!

4) Well we fixed the SPA this weekend.

3) Gotta run the ______ (insert: mazda, volvo, van, infinity, maxima, explorer, lexus and... ponty) over to Don's.

2) Who's a good boy! Luck-Luck! Sadie-Say!

1) (In church) So, where do you guys wanna sit?

Introducing...

"My name... is Kim."